


What Could be Worse?

by peacelight



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merlin/Others Past Tense, Post-Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 09:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16060706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacelight/pseuds/peacelight
Summary: Arthur's been in love with Merlin for years convinced that Merlin doesn't love him because he knows Merlin has secret; one he doesn't trust Arthur with.Merlin's convinced he could never tell Arthur he loves him because he keeps secrets, distracting himself with others trying to bury the pain.They both love each other, both afraid of the truth.A misunderstanding changes everything.





	What Could be Worse?

**Author's Note:**

> A result of missing Merlin, and the anniversary making me angry at the waster potential.

Despite whatever anyone claimed, Arthur believed himself to be an observant man. From a young age he was trained to notice small details, it is what made him such a skilled fighter. He could read a fighter better than anyone in battle, every small detail, the slightest change in body language, it was all a matter of life and death. More than that his father had made sure he understood the behaviors of men, to be constantly on guard for someone who would take advantage of him, to understand the matters of diplomacy.

Arthur had always been good with those he desired, careful to never make promises or let them assume his affections to be greater than they were. Sans a few memorable and horrific experiences in the last few years that Arthur could not fathom, and had decided were the work of some sort of sorcery. Arthur knew the pain of a broken heart was worse than any battle wound. 

Yet, everyone always said he was oblivious, particularly Merlin, it was laughable to Arthur, since Merlin was missing one great giant blaring detail that Arthur thought was obvious, that he was hopelessly in love with him. He had been for years, Arthur wasn’t a hundred percent sure when it happened. The moment he had met Merlin he was fixated, soon he wanted to earn Merlin’s friendship not as a Prince and Servant, but as two men. Merlin had risked his life for him swallowing poison, and Arthur knew that he would never be worthy of such a sacrifice from someone as pure of heart as Merlin. But he wanted to try anyways. As time passed Arthur realized his life was not complete without Merlin by his side. 

Yet, even as the years passed Arthur couldn’t tell him. Merlin kept things from him, he might have Arthur’s full trust, but Arthur was sure he didn’t have Merlin’s. Merlin would disappear time and time again, there was that fidget in his eye that made it clear to Arthur that he was lying. Despite how desperately Arthur wished that Merlin saw him as his friend he understood that a Prince could not have all he wanted. Soon he would be King, and with that all the responsibility he carried would be official, Uther was dying. The only one who truly seemed to understand how he felt was Merlin. And that was why despite the pain of being with Merlin each day, not being able to ever be with another knowing how dishonorable he would be to that person after all you can’t be with one when you love another, Arthur could not distance himself from Merlin.

Arthur walked to the training field eager to break in a new Knight. He saw his Knights jousting with each other, the easy comradery. The newer Knights, the non-noble Knights fit right in, in the end it was brothers in arms over birth. Arthur was incredibly proud of what he was building. News of the changes in Camelot spread, and his reputation was increasingly positive. Uther may not have approved but Arthur was happy that news of Camelot being a place of merit was the story and not that of a sickly King.

Merlin was standing next to the new Knight, a man from a good family, not as noble as Uther would have accepted, but wealthy enough to let a son go train instead of contribute at home. He was eager, and a friend of Leon’s that was a good sign for Arthur.

Arthur focused in on Leon, he wasn’t smiling, odd, Arthur filed that away for a later date. Arthur stored information, for example each time Merlin disappeared, each time Merlin didn’t smile for more than a day, things that he wasn’t sure how to deal with in the moment but would attempt to find a solution for when he could. 

Training went well, Arthur was pleased to see the effort in, young Galahad.

Merlin came up to him, “the Knights are going to the tavern, would you like to join them?”

Arthur thought he deserved a little time off, dice with the boys, a chance to unwind, it was always a good time. Arthur nodded, noticing Merlin’s smile at the prospect confirmed to him it was the right choice.

Merlin removed his armor, and helped him clean up, it was a quick process, soon enough they were with his Knights at the tavern. Arthur saw the easy friendship Merlin had with his Knights, it was impressive, being a servant yet so extraordinary that matters of rank never seemed to matter to him.

Arthur sipped his ale, and turned to see Leon once again frowning, following his eyeline, he saw he was staring at Merlin, and the new Knight, they had clearly struck up a new friendship. The boy was laughing at something Merlin said, who could blame him Merlin was so amusing, he was holding onto Merlin for support.

Arthur looked back and forth, clearly Leon didn’t approve of what he saw, Arthur was confused. After all Leon and Merlin were quite close now, after the years Merlin spent by Arthur’s side, he knew Leon trusted Merlin, and that he enjoyed his company.

Moving through the crowd Arthur made his way to Leon. “Something troubling you, Leon?”

Leon turned to Arthur and sighed. “Nothing really, sire.”

“You have been sitting here clearly upset for a while now.” Arthur said, he needed to know that nothing was happening that involved Merlin.

“Well…” Leon stumbled. “Actually...its rather….”

“Come on now just spit it out.” Arthur stated.

“Perhaps you could have a chat with Merlin sire.” Leon started.

Arthurs eyes furrowed, a dangerous glean entered his eyes.

“Why?” No diplomatic tact here.

Leon realized he had backed himself into a corner. “Look young Galahad is a good friend, and this isn’t a criticism of Merlin at all, but he tends to...how do I phrase this...well you know Sire.”

Arthur didn’t know. His blank stare kept Leon babbling.

“I know he won’t mean too but, Galahad is...has always had a soft heart...I think….you know Merlin doesn’t like relationships, and well, maybe if you could talk to him.”

Arthur’s brain was starting to feel overwhelmed.

“I mean I know Merlin would never hurt anyone intentionally, its just…”

Out of nowhere Gwaine sat down, or perhaps it was obvious Arthur wasn’t really aware of much now. A singular dangerous thought entered his mind: perhaps the reason Merlin didn’t love him, was because he was busy loving others.

“What’s got good old Leon here blushing so hard?” Gwaine laughed, unaware of Arthur’s internal crisis.

“Apparently, he is worried that Merlin is going to hurt Galahad,” Arthur stumbled out.

Gwaine nodded in agreement. “Merlin does have a knack for breaking hearts.”

There was something in that tone, in his eyes. Arthur in that moment wondered if Gwaine and Merlin at some point had been more than just friends. How could he miss it? Because he didn’t want to see it.

This was the first time anyone ever even remotely implied that Merlin had a romantic relationship. Merlin sure as hell had never said anything. 

Percival sat down too, Arthur barely registered him until he spoke. “Who’s heart is Merlin breaking, I know Jeff the stable boy has yet to recover.”

Arthur wanted nothing more than to be swallowed by the earth at this moment.

“Jeff, nah what about Lucy, she still is still gathering extra herbs for him.” Gwaine laughed.

Leon was glad his point was being backed up. “What about old Kay, that man would still do anything for Merlin.”

“Just how many people…”Arthur wanted to say were in love with Merlin, but he couldn’t stomach the words. “Involved with Merlin?”

“Come on Arthur, we all know Merlin doesn’t do getting involved he does I will blow your mind, and treat you amazingly for a few weeks, but is always sure that he can’t be the one for you.” Gwaine said, there was a tone that Arthur recognized one he often used, the lightness that covered heartbreak.

In all the years he had known Merlin, the one thing he had never seen him do was be in a relationship. But he didn’t fool around either, he would have told Arthur….a horrifying realization was hitting Arthur, the years of disappearing, how could he be so blind. Merlin didn’t have some secret he kept from Arthur, he kept his lovers hidden. Many apparently. 

“I mean who am I to judge right.” Gwaine said. “After all there is no one nicer than Merlin, he just never seems to want to settle down.”

Arthur wondered if like him, Gwaine was waiting for Merlin. God he had to get out of here, he couldn’t sit here any longer, his entire world view was crumbling around him. Arthur had always held onto a glimmer of hope that perhaps Merlin loved him because he was never with anyone else, that maybe one day he’d tell him his secret and Arthur would have what he desired more than anything.

Arthur stood up, and walked out of the pub, leaving his Knights, and part of his heart behind.

Almost at a run Arthur headed back to his room, closing the door he looked around, everything reminded him of Merlin. After all this was where he and Merlin shared so many memories. Where Merlin would offer council, make him smile, or just be with him. God, he had never hated this room so much.

Not only did Merlin not love him, he didn’t even trust him enough to tell him his secret, that he loved others. Arthur didn’t trust blindly any more, he had learned the lessons the hard way his sister, his father, the world had taught him trust was sacred. But Merlin, there was not a bone in his body that didn’t believe that Merlin was on his side. Of course, the only reason Merlin didn’t tell him was because he knew it would hurt him, the newest painful realization cut Arthur off at the knees. Merlin was aware of Arthur’s feelings, and didn’t tell him of his partners as too protect him. The feelings of inadequacy hurt, but why would Merlin love him Arthur thought bitterly, he was the only one who treated him as just Arthur, without a crown he wasn’t special. Just Arthur.

***

Merlin had watched Arthur abruptly leave, he wondered why, but knew if Arthur had wanted his company he would have signaled him. Merlin had wished that Arthur had signaled him. The new Knight was nice enough, but Merlin wasn’t in the mood to socialize much.

Merlin excused himself and walked back to his room at Gaius’s hut. Wishing that he was with Arthur helping him get ready for bed, each time he wasn’t with him even for the simple routines, Merlin’s heart ached a little.

Knowing your so helplessly with your best-friend is a tragedy Merlin was well used to staring in. There were moments when Merlin wondered if Arthur might have some interest in him, he knew he was different from others, he could feel Arthur’s eyes on him more than others, he knew that they were connected in a way no one else could be. But Merlin knew what little favor he held with Arthur would never erase the years of lies.

Fuck, Merlin thought as he normally did when his guilt returned, the reminder that no matter his power and strength the fact he had magic and Arthur didn’t know prevented him the only happiness he desired. His grave was one of his own digging.

Merlin had realized he was in love with Arthur the day after Gwen had kissed him. That is not to say Gwen wasn’t a lovely kisser, she was. But, Merlin knew the next day when the only thing he could think of was Arthur risking his life for his, that he was the only one he wanted. It was that realization that made Merlin hide his magic more, Merlin knew in the far-reaching corners of his mind that Arthur would understand one day that magic could be good, but he knew that Arthur would never look at him with trust again. It was that knowledge that kept him hiding, like a coward. Lancelot each day encouraged him to tell Arthur the truth, but Merlin knew it would be the end. He was scared.

For years Merlin had hide behind others, or more correctly in their beds, and company, distracting himself from the truth. No matter how amazing they were how kind, brave, loving they were never Arthur.

Maybe he should have taken Galahad up on his offer, Merlin thought. No, Merlin thought, more recently he had begun to realize the damage he was doing, that even though he was in love with someone else, physical intimacy meant things to others. He had seen in the looks Gwaine gave him, god why couldn’t he love Gwaine, or Jeff, or Lucy, anyone who wasn’t Arthur. Just because he lived a lie every day didn’t mean others did as well. They all deserved better. Each lover was a reminder that he was always a liar first, each time he thought of a future he couldn't risk the truth. 

Merlin climbed into his own bed, a place he dreaded a place that reminded him he was alone. And would always be alone.

***

Merlin rushed to Arthur’s chambers in the morning, cheerfully as always. Bursting through the door with energy, one of his favorite duties was walking up Arthur.

Arthur’s bed was empty, clearly slept in but empty. Where was Arthur?

“Arthur?” Merlin questioned, the guard from the end of the hall came in.

“Prince Arthur said he did not require your services this morning, he had training exercises to design. You have the day off.”

That never meant Arthur didn't need him before. Merlin was confused but sighed what else could he do. Arthur was in a mood.

Merlin headed out and ran into Lancelot.

“How are you today Merlin?” Lancelot asked.

Outside of Arthur, Lancelot was Merlin’s favorite person, the only person who he could truly be himself with.

“Good, Arthur is training, so I am going to ride out today and practice some new techniques I learned on our last encounter with the Druids. Try and mediate.” Merlin said honestly.

As Morgana raised her forces, Merlin realized he could not remain untrained. He had set out to expand his skill, and whenever he had a spare moment, he took off to practice.

Lancelot walked with Merlin out into the courtyard, where neither realized Arthur was watching intently.

Lancelot, and Gwen were well known to Arthur, they had been pulled to each other as if the stars had divined it. And yet Arthur wondered, what Lancelot and Merlin were always whispering about, Arthur knew himself well enough to know he envied Merlin’s relationship with Lancelot.

Just as worried the two would disappear together, he watched Merlin saddle his horse and ride off alone. Another day for disappearances.

Arthur felt his heart sink, he had never really worried Merlin’s secret would hurt him, yet now here he was with a broken heart. Practice dummies were to be destroyed.

Merlin rode towards the lake of Avalon, it was where he practiced, it felt safe, and he could draw on the magical energy.

The spell he was trying depended upon meditation, he had never been good at sitting still but he was going to learn.

Thinking as always it was for Arthur helped.

Always for Arthur.

Merlin was trying to manage the ability to see between places, to send his essence out of his body. Falling into a meditative stance was dangerous though, he knew but he wasn’t worried after all he had mastered the powers of life and death as a mere boy, no way he would drift into a coma like state for days as the Druids warned.

****

Where the hell was Merlin Arthur thought, he was only given the day, he was meant to be back. Who the hell was occupying him? Hot burning envy seared through Arthur’s body. God why did he have to know? Part of him wanted to break something, the other part wanted to cry, he was frozen and yet slightly worried. What if something was wrong?

No Arthur realized the truth was out; Merlin didn’t want to be here with him, he wanted someone else, probably that new Knight, Arthur never did give Merlin a talking too.

The next morning Arthur woke up alone again, now the panic was setting in, what if someone had hurt Merlin.

Rushing out of his covers he went to the training field all the Knights would be there.

“Where is Merlin?” Arthur demanded.

Every Knight was there including Lancelot. Arthur was paying particular attention to him, he knew. Arthur was certain of that.

“Someone answer me now!” Arthur said.

“We don’t know.” Gwaine huffed. “Isn’t he normally with you at this time?”

“Sir Lancelot, on your honor as a Knight tell me where Merlin is?” Arthur ignored Gwaine.

Everyone stopped looking happy as if this was one of Merlin and Arthur’s jokes. Lancelot went slightly pale, Arthur knew how much his oath meant to him. To invoke this was serious.

“Sire…” Lancelot spoke softly. “I...Merlin went for a ride yesterday.”

“I want the full story now.” Arthur said. “I am not in the mood for half truths. Where is he?”

Lancelot swallowed. “I don’t know. I swear it.”

Arthur’s heart sank for the first time in his life he had cause to doubt the word of Knight. Perhaps the Knight he trusted most, Lancelot’s whole world view; who he was built on honor. He sacrificed everything for honor.

“What did you speak about yesterday before he left?” Arthur said, afraid his face showed his betrayal.

“He said he was going to mediate.” Lancelot said fully aware Arthur didn’t believe him, but the one thing that was worth more than his Oath as a Knight was his friendship with Merlin.

Arthur just stood there, he didn’t know what to do.

“Mediating huh, that’s what the kids are calling it these days.” Sir Kay said. Trying to ease the tension, it was not the correct thing to say.

Arthur knew that it wasn’t something as simple as an affair Lancelot wouldn’t have considered lying for that.

“Merlin has been gone for almost twenty-eight hours, Merlin may be many things but he isn’t that stupid.” Arthur almost growled.

“Okay then we go look for him” Gwaine immediately ready to spring into action.

Arthur nodded. “I will be back in ten minutes with armor and we will head out, he shouldn’t be to hard to track.”

Arthur turned to walk away but couldn’t help but say “After all Lancelot here knows where Merlin meditates.”

The implication was dangerous and yet Arthur couldn’t help it. Merlin may be in danger and Lancelot said nothing. He asked for his loyalty and it wasn’t his but rather Merlin’s.

When Arthur returned Lancelot was gone. No Knight had stopped.

“Where is Lancelot?” Arthur asked through gritted teeth.

“Scouting ahead.” Gwaine simply shrugged. Arthur wanted to throttle him.

Arthur took a deep breath. He separated the Knights he was going to follow Lancelot himself.

Gwaine and Percival flanked him, as they rode off Arthur realized Gwaine and Percival were purposefully riding slower. Lancelot told them to stall.

“Let me make this clear to both of you lying to your Crown Prince as a Knight is treason.” Arthur huffed, as he took of as fast as possible.

He could see the evidence of Lancelot trail easily, he wasn’t hiding his tracks but rather he just wanted a small head start.

Arthur grew up in these woods, a slight head start didn’t change much. Gwaine swore.

“Look Arthur, slow down.” Gwaine shouted.

“Give me one good reason as to why I should?” Arthur shouted back.

“Because Merlin wanted to be alone!” Gwaine shouted.

Of course. Arthur slowed down slightly. He was so confused, he wanted in his heart to believe this was more than an affair, but maybe he was imagining the signs of Lancelot lying, after all why would Lancelot lie? God!

No...if there was even a slight chance Merlin was hurt or in any kind of trouble Arthur had to check, worst case scenario Arthur would confirm what he knew already Merlin didn’t desire him.

“He may have, but if there is even a remote chance he is in any kind of danger I will check on him, you must respect that.” Arthur looked at Gwaine, and he knew in that instant that he didn’t know what he was protecting, and he felt for him. Without waiting for an answer Arthur took off again.

***

Lancelot knew Merlin came to the Lake of Avalon often for his practice, despite being on the border of Camelot only half a days ride it was left well enough of alone. Magic couldn’t be drive from it. Lancelot saw Merlin sitting near the water, but what was worse was there was some energy surrounding him. No mistaking the magic. Thank god he beat Arthur here. Merlin would make up some story, maybe a sprained ankle. But for now he had to stop this energy.

“MERLIN!” Lancelot shouted, running towards him. He didn’t say anything, Lancelot was panicking now.

He ran to him as quick as he could, shaking him nothing.

Arthur was right behind.

“Come on Merlin, this is not the time! The Knights of Camelot’s are coming, Arthur is minutes behind me!” Lancelot was panicking what the hell should he do?

He couldn’t out ride Arthur with Merlin behind him, there wasn’t a single place around for him to hide. The trees were to dense and easily trackable.

Lancelot heard something, it wasn’t horse hooves, it sounded like wings. Lancelot turned around, he saw a large shadow. On instinct he pulled his sword out.

Not seeing behind him that Arthur, Gwaine and Percival were just about to coming to the edge of the clearing, Arthur moved silently, and his jaw dropped. It was the dragon!!! Not in his worst dreams could he imagine this. Arthur, Gwaine and Percival melted back into the trees. 

Arthur saw Merlin sitting helplessly only Lancelot with his sword in front of him. He wanted to charge in and shield Merlin, he looked to be in some trance. But that wasn’t the rational battle decision. He looked at Gwaine and Percival they had the element of surprise this was there only advantage.

Just as Arthur thought to find the best point for attack everything changed, Lancelot lowered his sword.

“Oh its you.” Lancelot stated, the valley was quite enough to hear his sworn Knight commit treason.

“I need your help, something is wrong with Merlin he won’t wake up, and Arthur is right behind us. We have no time!” Lancelot rushed out.

The Dragon that destroyed Camelot let out an exasperated sigh.

“I know, Merlin here has been calling to me for hours.”

“Well help him! Do you not understand the Knights are right behind me!” Lancelot’s panic was clear.

The Dragon didn’t seem to be in any hurry. He took a breath and huffed on Merlin.

Merlin jolted awake, falling to the ground. Arthur watched horror struck. Not another Morgana...no much worse.

Merlin coughed, barely pulling himself up. Arthur hated how he still wanted nothing more than to go and help him.

“Thank you Kilgharrah.” Merlin sputtered. Lancelot helped him up.

“I thought I’d never break free.” Merlin sighed in relief, leaning on Lancelot.

“You were warned such magic was dangerous, and yet on your first attempt you tried to travel outside your own body.” The Dragon shook his head has if admonishing Merlin. “Young Warlock, despite your power you are not above the laws of the old religion, this takes practice.”

“I know, I just thought, hoped it would be as easy as other things, if I could just find Morgana now before she gets too strong, I could protect Arthur.” Merlin reasoned.

“Speaking of Arthur he is right behind me.” Lancelot clearly panicked. “You need to go and Merlin you need to fake some sort of ailment Arthur was so very worried.”

“Go Kilgharrah I will be okay, I won’t attempt this alone again, I lacked focus this time, I won’t make the same mistake again. Thank you again for coming.” Merlin smiled softly at the Old Dragon.

“Anything for you young Warlock.” The Dragon bowed his head, and flew off. It was as if he was never there. Whatever strength he had sent to Merlin seemed to vanish as Merlin sat down again.

“At least you will be easily able to fake an illness, what happened Merlin?” Lancelot asked.

“The Druids showed me how to use your essence to project yourself out of your body, it would allow the sorcerer to see many places at once, but it takes years of practice to master.”

“So, you tried it on your first try.” Lancelot groaned.

“I didn’t plan too.” Merlin whispered. Arthur could barely hear him, he slowly moved closer to the clearing, soon he’d be visible he couldn’t stop though.

“I just...I can’t explain I sensed Morgana, she wasn’t far, I pushed to far, she’s long gone now, but I lost focus and couldn’t exactly get back in my body, I had exhausted myself.” Merlin sighed. “Arthur must be so mad. He was already in a mood.”

“I am in a right mood.” Arthur heard himself say.

Lancelot jumped, Arthur couldn’t help but notice how Lancelot’s hand went to his sword, and he didn’t move it when he saw it was him.

Gwaine and Percival came out, Gwaine’s hand was on his sword but his face reflected the same betrayal Arthur felt. He didn’t know. Percival just looked afraid. Arthur knew his loyalty was divided, after all he had joined because of Lancelot.

“I know Arthur I am a little late.” Merlin stammered out.

He lied like breathing.

“How could you?” Arthur whispered out, his never once going for his own sword.

Those words cut Merlin worse than his sword ever could have.

Merlin faltered. His worst nightmare Arthur knew, and Merlin hadn't told him. 

“I always knew you had a secret, and yet despite every betrayal every lie ever told to my face I trusted you blindly. No more.” Arthur said. “No more.”

He turned so fast and heard, a feeble Arthur shout after him but he didn't slow down. Arthur had to leave before he started to weep. No man was worth his tears, Arthur kept repeating the mantra his father had instilled in him, and yet why couldn’t he stop the tears.

He had no idea what happened to Gwaine or Percival he had to ride. With no where to go suddenly his entire Kingdom was empty.

***

Merlin couldn’t believe that Arthur knew, more than just knew he had always suspected something and trusted him still. Nothing could be worse than the look of betrayal on Arthur’s face.

“You two have to leave now.” Gwaine stated.

Merlin hadn’t even seen him. And Percival how many knew his secret?

Lancelot was nodding in agreement. “There are a few villages I know where we can camp for tonight. Gather supplies.”

“I’ll bring you what you need. We will need to leave immediately. There are too many Knights in this area.” Gwaine said. But he looked shaken.

Merlin knew he had betrayed his relationship with Gwaine too. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to have to make you chose.”

Gwaine chuckled darkly. “Merlin you didn’t want to know I’d chose you.”

That got to Merlin. He had always been to afraid to risk his heart, because he didn’t want to give some else the control to chose or not chose him.

As his mind played over everything that Arthur said, not once did he say evil sorcerer, the only thing he said was he didn’t trust him.

Lancelot began to tug on his arm.

“No.” Merlin whispered pulling himself up on his own strength.

“Merlin this isn’t a time to debate.” Lancelot said. “You have been found out we must go, before Arthur makes a choice he can’t undo.”

“Gwaine is right, I have always been to cowardly to be honest. No more.” Merlin tried to sound firm, but he knew he sounded exhausted.

“That’s not what I meant Merlin, and this isn’t exactly the time to be stupid, you committed treason against the crown, Arthur can’t just forgive this.” Gwaine shouted. “You will die if you go back, and we won’t let you.”

Somethings are worth dying for, Merlin thought. And he knew that in his heart of hearts that Arthur wouldn’t kill him. If Arthur sent him to the pyre, Merlin would go without protest, he couldn’t live in a world Arthur didn’t want him.

Merlin walked towards the water, let it wash over him, give him the strength of the Lake. “Wish me luck Freya.” Merlin whispered.

Gwaine, Percival and Lancelot watched as Merlin pulled himself together.

“You can’t go back.” Gwaine shouted.

“Listen to him Merlin, we can’t control Arthur’s reaction.” Percival didn’t want to watch him die.

"Just give him some time" Lancelot implored. "Don't race him when he is angry, and hurt."

“If anything goes wrong I promise I’ll flee.” Merlin said, what was one more lie.

Lancelot stood forward. “Merlin I can’t let you do this.”

Merlin had to admire his friends desire to protect him, but this was one thing he had to do. He couldn’t just let Arthur think he betrayed him.

With one flick of his arm he cast a sleeping spell, when his friends would wake up the fate of Camelot would be decided.

Arthur was standing in his chambers holding the fire place for support, watching the flames. His mind kept flashing to a pyre with Merlin, it made him sick. He knew he had failed the laws of Camelot, failed his father. Time and time again he was shown that magic was evil, it corrupted, but Merlin…

The tears kept dripping one slowly after the other, Arthur had never felt such intensity, the pain of a broke heart he assumed. Nothing had prepared him.

Another flash, of Merlin saying he had to protect him. No! He was tricking Lancelot into loyalty. That had to be the reason, no way that Merlin could have hidden that from him after all these years.

What was the truth?

The doors opened. And there he stood. As if nothing had happened. How could he just stand there, Arthur thought?

“Arthur…” Merlin eyes looked so pleading. One word and Arthur wanted to give him the world. God maybe all these years he had been enchanted. That would make things easier to swallow.

“What could you possibly say to change what comes next?” Arthur said completely broken. “You should have fled.”

Merlin the idiot came here to what force Arthur to have him arrested, to make him do the one thing he thought unthinkable.

“I…” Merlin was at a loss for words.

“You finally ran out of lies.” Anger helped for a moment.

“It was all for you, only you.” Merlin stuttered out. Never had he looked so vulnerable.

“How...no…” Arthur didn’t want to hear this.

Merlin stepped forward.

Arthur backed away. How is it that Merlin was the one who betrayed him and yet looked like Arthur had hurt him?

“I understand you hate me, I always was too afraid to tell you the truth, but please give me one chance to fix my mistake. Then do what ever you believe to be right, I won’t fight you.” Merlin pleaded.

Arthur didn’t trust his voice not to crack and simply nodded, moving to sit behind his desk as if the simple wooden structure could perhaps shield him from the words coming out of Merlin’s mouth.

“I was born with magic, rarely does this happen, especially since the purge. I was found out by Will, and my mother panicked, I couldn’t control my power.” Merlin began.

Arthur was already feeling overwhelmed if people could be born with magic it wasn’t a choice. How could Merlin not tell him this vital detail, could people really have been dying because of how they were born?

“She knew I needed instruction, and the only one who she knew that was left that could help was Gaius. I came to Camelot. I wanted a better life, a life with purpose, but what I saw was a man burned for his existence. It was the first sight of Camelot.” Merlin wished for once he could read minds, it was as if Arthur had frozen his face to prevent Merlin from reading him.

“I saved Gaius’s life with magic, which I think is one of the reasons he helped me, and the other being his love for you, Sire.”

“How was lying to me a way to love me?!” Arthur shouted.

Love to him was trust, and you didn’t lie to those you trusted.

“I...I know this is impossible for you to believe right now, but it was love.” Merlin said. God Arthur, I love you so much Merlin thought, but this was not the moment.  
Not when Arthur looked like he hated him.

“I heard voices in my head it turns out they were the dragons thought, and I will explain everything about his escape, but for now please just keep listening.”

Arthur sighed how could it be worse to let that detail go.

“He told me I had a great destiny tied to a great King. I would be able to see him change the world, if only someone helped keep him safe until the time was right.” Merlin started talking faster. “I didn’t believe that you were a great King in the making at first but then I had a choice to let you die or save you the night I became your servant, I didn’t even hesitate, I knew in my heart it was my sole duty to be by your side and protect you. The more time I spent with you I knew that it wasn’t just because Kilgharrah had told me you’d do great things but because I saw the greatness in you.”

“You’ve been protecting me because you think I am some prophesied King, by the same Dragon that almost destroyed Camelot?” Arthur didn’t think this could get anymore unbelievable.

“Well when you put it like that, but what Kilgharrah did was a horrible thing, but it was in retaliation for Uther killing his entire kind, hunting them and keeping him as a trophy. Not because he didn’t think you were to be a good King.” Merlin rambled.

“That makes the death of hundreds alright then.” Arthur huffed. The Merlin that couldn’t kill a deer for food Merlin was justifying the deaths of hundreds of people at the hands of a monster.

“Nothing will make it alright, but he also helped save you many times, and thousands of others. I can tell you every story in detail, but the point is he guided me to a purpose yes, but you gave me something to believe in.” Merlin looked at Arthur, Arthur didn’t know how to believe the devotion in his eyes.

“I don’t understand.” Arthur barely whispered.

“You are the Once and Future King, the greatest King Camelot has ever seen, you will unite the lands of Albion and usher in a time of great peace. It is my duty to stand by your side and help you however I can.”

Arthur shook his head, he couldn’t look at Merlin, not now.

“You must think my ego is enormous to accept that as your reason.” Arthur stood up, he was not that great, he knew himself better. “Make up some destiny bullshit, and what I’d fall at your feet, I imagine these feelings must be some result of sorcery then.”

Arthur faltered he had too look at Merlin, one look at the way Merlin’s face fell and Arthur wanted to sink to his knees. Why must he look so hurt?

“I...no...listen to me Arthur please I am begging believe me.” Merlin had never looked so helpless and Arthur had seen him near death.

“You lie as easy as you breath.” Arthur said firmly.

“No!” Merlin shouted. “You absolute idiot, you don’t believe me because you don’t think you are that great, god! I knew you were truly destined for greatness when you risked your life for a servant, barely knowing him, despite what your father might have done.”

Arthur watched as Merlin cast a spell for the first time.

It was the guiding light that had saved him, the first time he wondered if someone or something magical wanted to help him, but Nimeuh had dismayed him of that notion soon afterwards.

“You.” Arthur uttered.

“From that moment I knew what was in your heart.” It was such a simple declaration.

“I watched you grow and mature, always putting the needs of Camelot first, questioning Uther’s decisions looking to be better, choosing men on their merit instead of there birth.” Merlin didn't look like he would slow down. Arthur didn't want to hear his praises not now. 

“If you thought me to be such a noble king, and you have protected me all these years why not tell me?!” Arthur shouted. “I tell you everything!”

And there it was nothing hurt him more than the betrayal of trust, everything else he could believe.

“I never told anyone!” Merlin shouted back.

“Then what the hell is Lancelot?” Knowing that Lancelot knew before him, that Merlin’s confidence did not lie with him was like a gaping wound.

“He found out by accident, I helped enchant his spear so he could kill the griffin, Gaius knows because I saved his life, my mother has known me since birth, and Will found out one night by accident, and I fled Ealdor soon after. Other’s know because of there connection to the own religion, but never not once have I told anyone, the only person I wanted to tell was you.” Merlin moved closer to Arthur, he needed Arthur to see the truth in his eyes.

“But you didn’t trust me enough.” Arthur walked towards Merlin, he was always like gravity pulling him closer. Perhaps not gravity but magic.

Merlin held onto Arthur’s hand, squeezing his eyes shut as if the next words were the hardest thing he had to say, “I was a coward.”

No Arthur thought Merlin was anything but that. Yet he waited he wanted to hear what came next.

“At first yes, I was afraid you’d turn me in, but then I was afraid you’d send me away. And then I was afraid that things would change.” Merlin looked up at Arthur, he saw the similar signs of tears, he was not the only one who had cried. “I wanted you to realize that magic was good all on its own, but more than that really I was afraid of risking this, afraid of you not trusting me. The way I feel about you Arthur, losing you would end me.”

“Where you ever going to tell me?” Arthur asked.

“Everyday since Uther fell ill I wanted to tell you. Before I could hide behind not wanting to divide your loyalty to your father.” Merlin sighed. “I just never knew how, there were so many secrets so many ways to lose you. I was selfish I didn’t want to lose you in any way.”

Arthur could feel Merlin’s pulse, it was so fast, the slight signs he had always noticed that Merlin were lying were not there.

“I always knew you were lying to me, for years I wanted to believe it was something small like you had a problem with mead, more recently I thought you just wanted to spare me the knowledge of lovers.”

“Gaius could never think of a lie.” Merlin stated.

“No you couldn’t” Arthur smiled for the first time. “Your eyebrows would scrunch slightly, and your eyes would always be distant, you never have been able to hid your emotions.”

“If you knew I was lying why didn’t you say something.” Merlin asked.

“I wanted you to tell me.” Arthur replied.

Merlin kept looking at him, searching for something Arthur just didn’t know what.

“I never hid my lovers, I just never thought you were interested in knowing.” Merlin said.

“Why did you never settle down with anyone?” Arthur knowing what these questions were leading too.

“They...I couldn’t distract myself from the one thing I truly wanted.” Merlin stated. “And after all you never told me about your lovers.”

Arthur laughed lightly. “There haven’t been any in a long time.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew what I wanted and I didn’t want anyone else.” Arthur said honestly.

Merlin realized he had shifted closer to Arthur, he was inches away from his face.

“No one was ever you.” Merlin breathed out softly.

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, he had wanted to hear those words for so long and now hearing them part of him wondered if they were true.

Merlin thought to himself, he didn’t have much else to lose, Arthur knew everything now. He kissed him. He put everything into that kiss, the years of love and devotion, Arthur had to believe him.

No one had ever kissed Arthur like this, it was as if his entire body came alive.

When they broke apart Arthur whispered. “I was always waiting for you.”

“I am so sorry” Merlin whispered back. “I am so so so sorry.”

Arthur held Merlin, he didn’t know if he forgave just yet, he didn’t know how to trust Merlin, but he also knew one thing he loved Merlin, and that was the one thing he wanted to hold onto.

“You have to tell me everything, not a single detail left out.” Arthur said. “I don’t care your reasons, I need to know.”

Merlin took a deep breath. “For you anything.”

Arthur settled into his chair Merlin next to him, they talked and talked and talked. Hours went by and Arthur wondered if perhaps he had dreamed up all the stories, Merlin was extraordinary.

How could he hate Merlin for saving his life?

Arthur knew that he could never lose Merlin, and one day the scares of his lies would heal.

“I need to tell you one thing,” Arthur knew words weren’t his strongest suit but he had to say this. “After the initial shock, I mean I guess I always knew you weren’t evil, but the lies the ease at which you kept me in the dark, when I could have helped you, and so many others, that’s what hurts.”

“I realize now that I was wrong.” Merlin knew it was hopeless to wish to go back and yet he would do anything to tell Arthur the truth.

“I knew Merlin that you were amazing, and I would never have and never will let anything happen to you. If you truly want to be by myside I need you to know that.” Arthur stated. “Because perhaps I was mistaken, and you didn’t truly see how much you meant to me.”

“I swear to you Arthur, on whatever you like that I will never lie to you.” Merlin hoped his word would be enough.

“I know what it feels like to never want to lose you Merlin, I am trying to understand the lies, and I will try to forgive you I swear.” Arthur stood up and walked over to Merlin taking his hand and pulling him up.

“I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you, but I never did tell you and that was a mistake, I want to be worthy of your trust and all your sacrifices and I will spend the rest of my life doing so.” Arthur looked at Merlin with such ferocity trying to convey to him that he should always be trusted.

“I hope you see that I did everything I did because I thought it was for the best, there is nothing more precious to me than you Arthur.” Merlin smiled softly. “I love you too, and I really am afraid I am in a dream because I always wanted to hear you say that. To accept me.”

Arthur kissed him, gently this time. Murmuring into his lips. “I love you just the way you are.”

***

In the weeks that came many changes happened in Camelot.

The ban on magic was lifted. Despite Arthur’s instance Merlin didn’t want his past accomplishments revealed just yet, things along the line of I don’t want people to think you were influenced suspiciously, I don’t want Morgana to know about me. Arthur would bide his time, but he planned to ensure that one day Merlin’s feats would be that of legend. Every person to live would know how great he was.

The knights accepted swiftly that magic was free, and Merlin was one of the first who would openly train and teach magic in Camelot. He had a knack for it.

The day Uther passed away, the first Druids returned to Camelot.

Months passed, and more magic users came, they came for Merlin. They all knew of him.

Merlin taught all that were interested, and Arthur had never seen him happier.

When the first war came, Merlin was at his strongest.

There legend spread, together they built a larger and fairer Kingdom. One full of happiness love and acceptance.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of Merlin/Arthur. Let's be honest everyone on that show was a little in love with Merlin at some point, and Arthur was always dedicated to Merlin. Plus lets be real Merlin would be "magical" in bed, hard to get over. 
> 
> But really the point is after ep 4 like there is no way Arthur wouldn't have helped Merlin, and honestly at any point after that the magic reveal should have happened.


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